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A surprising announcement from the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has left even the staunchest supporters of the new federal office in disbelief. Elon Musk, the acting head of DOGE, revealed plans to issue $1 million stimulus checks to every Republican in the nation. Citizens from all political backgrounds are racing to comprehend the legality of this partisan distribution and how to access the funds.
Here’s what we’ve gathered about the checks.
‘Efficiency Dividend’
The shocking declaration emerged from DOGE in a 3 a.m. press release on Tuesday, April 1, presenting the significant cash distribution as an “efficiency dividend” stemming from the department’s cost-reduction actions since January.
“We’ve saved so much government money that we’re returning it to the voters who put us in office,” Musk stated during an unscheduled press encounter in the back of a Cybertruck on the White House lawn. “Every registered Republican will receive precisely one million dollars. That’s efficiency!”
When asked by reporters about the roughly 74 million Republican voters, implying a total payout of over $74 trillion (more than three times the national debt), Musk merely shrugged.
“Numbers are merely suggestions,” he commented. “How we will fund this is still undecided.”
Registration Surge
Following the announcement, voter registration offices across the country are experiencing an influx of activity. Some county clerks are reporting a 500% rise in registration forms compared to the 2024 election period. This figure is anticipated to rise as awareness of the payout continues to spread.
“We anticipate a significant increase in Republican voter registrations,” stated Marge H., a volunteer at the Maricopa County election office.
Political Response
Republican leaders have welcomed the initiative. Senator Ted Cruz from Texas mentioned he is already browsing for a second private jet, while Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene from Georgia has allegedly hired an entire Broadway troupe for a private performance of “Beetlejuice” the musical.
“This aligns perfectly with what the Founding Fathers envisioned,” declared House Speaker Mike Johnson, spotted perusing mega-yacht catalogs during a budget hearing. “It’s enshrined in the Constitution—life, liberty, and a million bucks if you cast your vote wisely.”
Meanwhile, Democrats have reacted with expected indignation. “This is outright voter bribery and arguably the most outrageous misuse of authority I’ve ever seen,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer exclaimed, before inquiring with an aide if changing his party affiliation would exclude him from the payout.
Uncertainties in Implementation
The details regarding how DOGE intends to distribute these funds are unclear. Musk indicated that payments could be made through “a mix of Dogecoin and X credits.” Republicans hoping for their stimulus in U.S. dollars might find themselves disappointed.
APRIL FOOLS! This article is entirely satirical and was published on April 1, 2025. The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) is not distributing $1 million stimulus checks to anyone, regardless of political affiliation, and all quotes and information in this piece are fictional.
